Notes from a Becoming-Jew on Christmas

18 tevet

Last entry from this holiday season, 2010/5771, I promise.

So it’s just after ten o’clock on Christmas night. I am shutting off the television after four straight Encore movies and a luxurious Chinese dinner I am sure will go straight to my waistline and thighs. General Tso’s, in case you were wondering, and yes, it was worth every bite.

I had the opportunity to go to the movies this evening and then go back to the hostess’s house to order in some Chinese and share some laughter, pour some drinks. There would have been about twelve other strangers there plus two friends. It was a very lovely invitation, sight unseen, from a very lovely person, although I admit I was uncomfortable with that large a crowd of strangers. One of the friends who would be there said, well, they will only be strangers until you get to know them. Fair enough, E.

Honestly though, tonight I didn’t want to be around people tonight for whom this was all "old hat", especially if said hat was red and white and topped with a white fuzzy ball. I didn’t want to be amongst people who had made their peace with this whole holiday season, especially since, this being my first Hanukkah, I hadn’t yet.
Does that sound strange to you? At first it did to me. I mean, why not spend time sharing popcorn, celluloid and dim sum with friendly faces? Why not toss back a shot or two, maybe even three? Why spend an evening in with overpriced take-out and a bad 1980's movie marathon? For God’s sake, they’re about to show "The Hand That Rocks The Cradle"...can anything be worse than that?

For me there is.

For me, what could be worse is pretending I’m at the same level of serenity with this day and night as they are. I’m not, I haven’t been and I need to respect that struggle.

What could be worse is forcing a smile when I don’t want to smile, joking when the last thing I feel is humor,
and end up resenting myself. I need to respect that, too. Although the intensity of these feelings have fallen off greatly in the last 24 hours, I still feel culturally isolated and put-upon.

And here’s the thing I needed. I needed to feel those emotions, let them come up and finally wash over me. I needed to acknowledge them and see they wouldn’t drown me. Judaism teaches that, that emotions are only bad when we repress them, mask them, do everything we can not to feel them. Well, for me the only way to shed hurts and confusions and angers is to let them surface straight and sober, own up to them - and then kiss them goodbye.

I think that’s what I’ve been doing this evening. I’m not sure I could have done that in the midst of a social scene, or at the end of a string of hastily tossed-back drinks. If the only way out is through, then I needed to find that Exit tonight alone.

To quote, I’m doing the best I can with what I know - and I’ll do better when I know more. I have no doubt I’ll handle next year’s December/tevet a little more socially than this year, and perhaps the year after that even more.

In the meantime, one year, one holiday season, one holy day at a time.

Shalom.