1 Elul 5772
So lately I have been wondering what my communal and
individual worth is as a single childless Jew.
I know (thanks to some very long nights with the Internet’s
glow as my only nightlight) and acknowledge and appreciate that I am neither
the first nor the only Jew to have asked this question. What solace I derive
from this, while being poignant, also feels somewhat scant. Some Friday nights all I can do is sit awkwardly among the families and couples during Shabbat services, or note how I was the only single childless person at my last Pesach, or even amid the High Holy Day crowds. (I was blessed when, having fainted during last
year’s Yom Kippur – yes, I was that person whose new meds and adherence to
fasting landed me in an ER – I had an impromptu escort from the congregation who
knew I was without family and did not want me to be alone. Just one more reason why I heart
my temple.)
This ache of mine comes with an exacting irony. For
the longest time being childless was my narrative. Various aspects of my past
informed this personal chronicle. While I won't share all the details I will say that seeing so many family members and friends end up divorced was influential. (Honestly, how many
times can you sit with someone who has either cheated on, or been cheated on
by, their spouse and not wonder if being single is the equivalent of dodging
the proverbial bullet?) Also - and this is hard to admit – I was sure I
would make the world’s worst parent. I had my fair share of personal excesses, which while never landing me in jail or causing anyone else harm certainly made my judgment
questionable at the time. Additionally, I existed
for the longest time in the back corner of what felt like the universe’s
deepest, darkest closet, shackled by shame over who I was. How could I expect to raise a child to grow into their best potential Self if I could not do the very
same thing? Hypocrisy and I make for some very poor sleeping mates. (If you're reading this, sorry hypocrisy.)
Some of my partners had children and we got along
pretty well, although I was often told that as I was not their biological
parent, what did I expect? All the same it was a particular gut-wrenching anguish to have
the children I watched grow up during the course of a thirteen year relationship turn away
when I came out. It felt doubly so to be told not to contact most of my nieces and
nephews during this same time.
Finally, I was given the opportunity to correct a
long-standing medical problem – but in exchange I would lose my reproductive abilities.
If you have been reading so far you can probably guess what my decision was. I made my choice convinced I had no regrets (if by “convinced” I mean ignoring and
ultimately justifying away all the doubtful twinges).
So here was my narrative - childless-by-choice, wiser than the average divorcee - a story written chapter by chapter, decade after
decade. I refuse to label this a “fiction” as I think that diminishes its
importance. Instead I will call it a necessary false-consciousness which I
eventually convinced myself was my truth. (The sociological equivalent
term for this is known as developing a “taste of necessity”.) Looking around at
all the ruined marriages and relationships (including my own), seeing how the
coming-out process had stripped me of so much family, I felt comfortable that I
had safely distanced myself from so much costly damage and eventual wreckage.
Then I converted to Reform Judaism and so many things
changed.
No doubt some of you are thinking, “Well, ye-ah”. (I know I
would be.) But whoa nelly, not so fast. At the risk of sounding like Donald Rumsfeld, while I certainly expected some changes and I even expected some unexpected changes, I did not think these particular feelings were going to float to the surface and make themselves known.
IMPORTANT WAIVER HERE!!!! I have to tell you that my
temple, from the clergy and board members to the congregants and staff, have
never made me feel less-than in ANY way shape or form. I can tell you
that I currently carry forward more self-esteem than ever before, in no small
part because of my spiritual family. This diminishment does not stem
from my environment but from me.
Yet I would be disingenuous if I
said that this very same environment did not give significant importance to
family-making and had no effect on me. I would be telling untruths if I said that being a happy witness
to weekly Jewish life-cycle acknowledgements such as marriage blessings, baby-namings and
bat/bar mitzvahs Kiddush chanting hasn't made me more aware that I am
without a family. I would be less than honest if I told you that when the rabbi said I would raise my
children as Jews during my blessing my heart didn't lurch in a profoundly sad way. I would be lying if
I told you I never felt like a Jew with limited worth. Not all the time, mind
you. Perhaps not even often. But yeah.
Of course, Jewish worth is not based upon one’s capacity to
mother, father or raise a household but by I would imagine one’s being a good
Jew. And apparently there have been quite a few remarkable good childless Jews before
me (including my Biblical namesakes). There are also quite a few commentaries, for example here, here, and here.
(Trigger warning: some promote the idea and attitude that not having children or being
single is a singular “disadvantage”, which tells you something of the author’s
sense of normative.)
I wish I had some clever denouement to leave you with but
honestly, being this transparent saps away any potential wit. Here’s what I
know as today’s end credits roll: I remain grateful for my spiritual family; I
am grateful and proud to be a Jew, and I cannot believe the worth of these two
truths can and/or will be solely defined for me by the capacity to have or raise
a family. So I leave you with this: Rabbi Harold Kushner writes in his book To Life! that being a good Jew isn’t defined by the amount of prayers you pray or how many times you end up at your synagogue (or, I imagine, how many children live under your roof) but rather, by always striving to be a better Jew.
I may not know where any of my answers await but just for today, that goal seems like a good place to start
from.
Shavua tov!
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