7 Tishri, 5773
The backstory: Although I have been going to my synagogue
since Spring of 2010 and then converted in 2011, this year – 5773 – will be the
first time I will be witness, and indeed a part of, Kol Nidre. As fate would
have it, I did not make it during the previous two HHD seasons. The first year
I was honestly lost in and subsequently overwhelmed by the High Holy Days – as strange
as it sounds, the only way I could get through my first Yom Kippur was to be
absent for Kol Nidre. Last year I was in bed with an awful head cold, which, as
I had also stopped eating or drinking, and along with a change in meds, would
contribute to my fainting in the middle of YK services the very next day. (Text
received during my ER visit from one of my rabbis: “Are you all right? Did you
mean to faint right before Mi Shebeirach?” Heart my clergy!)
Today I can relate that I am neither over-awed nor
under-the-weather and am excited for this long delayed first Kol Nidre,
especially with some new understandings I have recently come across.
Continuing backstory: A few months ago, Kol Nidre was the
subject of a pre-Elul Torah study. As it was one of my HHD mysteries, and
having been absent from it over the last two years, I immediately sat up to catch the
discussion as it flew around me and ricocheted off the walls and ceiling. (My
Torah Study group is wonderfully if not fearlessly active in their spiritual
wrestlings. The WWE has got nothing on us.) Many characteristics of Kol Nidre I
understood immediately – it was a legal formulation and not a prayer (check), written
in Aramaic and not Hebrew, (check) wrapped in a beautiful haunting melody
(check), which basically begins the Yom Kippur Services for the next 24 hours
(check check check).
Yet there was one aspect I kept intellectually tripping over:
the disavowing of vows. Um, why would there be a legal document read before Yom
Kippur (the day of forgiveness/atonement) which seemed to allow any oath
mentioned over the last year to be disavowed? Confusion reigned. Why
bother genuinely asking for forgiveness and atonement from both another
individual and God if we were saying any oath we made could be so broken?
You can probably guess what happened next. I raised my hand and voiced that question. No
sooner had the words formed in the air than someone along the back row muttered
“She’s wrong”. (Which is kinda the last response you want to hear in Torah
Study.) The rabbi leading the group that morning responded by using my question to discuss how Kol Nidre was historically the basis of so many age-old anti-Semitic
justifications. (Which, on second thought, is REALLY the last response you want to hear in
Torah Study.) [1]
(Note to the designers of the ubiquitous “Intro-to-Judaism”
courses: please consider including some special discussion regarding Kol Nidre
in HHD lessons. That is all.)
Now, some moons later, I am delving into a set of books
called Rosh Hashanah Readings and Yom Kippur Readings, both edited by RabbiDov Peretz Elkins, so I can better understand, appreciate and participate in
the HHD, which is unabashedly my favorite season of the Jewish calendar.
Needless to say, I am pouring over the Kol Nidre section in search of some context
to hang my questions on. And finally, upon reading more deeply the liturgical/halakhah/Biblical/historical
background of Kol Nidre, I heard the clilk! of understanding from
within, like that moment the key opens the tumblers of a particularly stubborn lock .
* * *
(If the following aspects of Kol Nidre is all remedial Sunday
School for you please skip to last line. No worries; I forgive you.)
My understanding now of the halakha roots to Kol Nidre can be
traced all the way back to the Torah’s admonition against making frivolous
oaths and promises. (Remember, this caution came in the ancient time of Balaam
and blessings and curses, when it was thought that what came out of our mouths not
only spoke of what was within ourselves but had power to create and destroy,
heal or harm, in the real world. Much as it does now, even though we seem to
forget this loaded truth online and off in the real world.) Your word was – or at
least should be – bond. Specifically to each other and especially to God.
Kol Nidre seems to understand that despite the Torah’s warnings
and the best of intention from us Jews, “frivolous”[2]
oaths will pass from our lips to God’s ear. (Welcome to the human condition.)
Therefore, before we can ask for God’s forgiveness and mercy, we must first deal with processing all those unfulfilled promises. This strikes me as amazingly functional in religious, emotional, psychological and even sociological terms. In this respect, Kol Nidre is the vehicle that helps us get from
one side of Yom Kippur to the other. (I also now understand that Kol Nidre is specifically for oaths between us and God. We're still on the hook for buying that round next Saturday night because the Red Sox lost. Again.)
Additionally, there is
a strong historical connection between Kol Nidre and the Conversos of Spain. [3]Faced
with conversion to Christianity or death, they chose life in anti-Semitic
medieval Spain as hidden Jews. How important Kol Nidre must have become for
them in keeping their spiritual integrity intact during such times! (And from a
socio-political p.o.v., it is therefore no surprise that anti-Semitics would
hold up Kol Nidre as proof-positive that Jews would not keep to their forced
conversions, embrace another belief system under the threat of torture and
death could not be trusted at their word.) A beautiful drash in YKR also draws a connection between the Conversos of Spain and those of the Queer Community who find that too must hide their true identity in an unforgiving and cruel world. (I really cannot recommend these books enough.)
What Kol Nidre means in 5773 is something I am still
gleaning and certainly welcome any-and-everyone else’s interpretation. (Anti-Semites
excluded. Clearly.)
With only two-and-a-half days (daze?) to go, may you have an
easy fast this Yom Kippur, may your name be sealed in the Book of Life and may
you (continue to) have the sweetest of years!
